A lot is going through my head at the moment. One of the usual questions is of course how things will continue and what awaits me. After all, I didn't plan my path, it just developed that way. Of course, I stretched my freedoms at many points, showed high spirits and took the next step, but I never had a plan for how things would develop or how I would develop. And the same is true now. Last time I wrote about how I had developed in the bank. This ultimately led to my boss speaking to me and us talking about my situation. This incredibly positive feedback did me a lot of good. It also gave me confidence and made me more relaxed about going to the bank in a more feminine way.
Regardless of that, I also ask myself whether what I said about Nicole and Christian being equal personalities is true, or whether it was just an easy explanation for myself. Christian has dominated my life for decades. Nicole kept coming out and demanding her rights. Nicole wanted to be present, wanted her part in life. That was the explanation. For some time now, I have spent most of my days as Nicole, and the other days are more Nicole-influenced too. Do I miss my other personality? Do I have an overwhelming desire to be Christian again? Definitely not. Do I sometimes get scared of my own courage and wonder what will happen next? Definitely yes.
Is it perhaps because I, Nicole, can do everything, wear everything that Christian could, but not the other way round? Is it because equality has been a facade for the last few years, just like Christian was for the decades before? Perhaps it is also because Nicole has not repressed the other personality long enough? On the other hand, it was always a kind of guilt, a bad conscience, that made me disappear into obscurity. But it never felt good to do it either. Do I feel guilty towards Christian? No, I don't.
I have to admit, I just can't resolve it at the moment.
Yours,
Nicole
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